Someone left me out of the conspiracy

Dear Rev. Jeremiah “Them Jews aren’t going to let him talk to me” Wright,

Apart from fact that you spoke on the day a white supremacist shot a security guard at the U.S. Holocaust Museum (once again, your timing is impeccable), there are only a few things I have to say to you:

First, I have yet to receive my Protocols of the Elders of Zion Secret Decoder Ring, despite sending in the required two cereal box tops, the completed, photocopied application to be a Junior Elder, and proof that my mother is Jewish. Personally, I thought that her affidavit about being forced to attend Jacob Neusner‘s piano recitals when they were growing up in Hartford was both ingenious and obviously genuine, but either the envelope got lost in the mail or someone intercepted it. I have been thinking of blaming someone, but I have yet to narrow down the possible list of suspects.

Second, to hurl this invective a week after it’s becoming pretty clear that President Obama is, in fact, pressuring Israel to stop expanding or creating new settlements? Yep, that’s a sign of the Victorious Conservative Jewish Conspiracy if I ever saw one. Or maybe you were talking about the J Street Conspiracy? Please make sure you identify the correct Jewish conspiracy, because they have different addresses and phone numbers, though I’m fairly sure the phone numbers both end in “666.” 

Third, I haven’t heard personally from the president in over three weeks, and I suspect he’s starting to listen to others at this point. To be honest, he hasn’t called me since I suggested that Peter Sagal become the Official White House Jester. Well, actually, if you want to know the truth, he hasn’t called me since the election, the ingrate after all I’ve done for him. Okay: he has never called me. But I suspect that’s beside the point. If we were good buddies, despite my being a lousy point guard, the president would probably follow his own counsel. That’s probably been true for most of the presidents we’ve had, and since he and Michelle have steadfastly refused to get a bearded dragon, he’s also ignoring my wife as well as me.

Fourth: you want the two pink pills in the morning and the green one at night. Don’t forget to take a glass of warm milk with the green one, since you can get an upset stomach if you forget.

Yours very agnostically Jewishly,


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