Why I’m buying Blackboard

Okay, I'll admit it: I'm buying Blackboard, the fabulous Learning Management System company that has totally wowed faculty during its agile-minded development over more than a decade. Four weeks ago, to the day, my lawyers forwarded an unsolicited offer to Blackboard's lawyers, and while the talks are still in process, and I have a few competitors, I am confident that my bid will win out. That's why I'm going public today: to explain why I'm buying Blackboard.

1. Blackboard is quality. Like Trump Towers or the new Sands Casino hotel opening next month, there is simply nothing that says gold-plated enterprise LMS software like Blackboard. Nothing. 
2. Leveraging corporate cash. Want to know what happened to all that cash corporations are not spending in this too-slow recovery? I'll give you a hint: I've got 0.2%. They need to do something with that money, and I gave them an offer they couldn't refuse. (And the deal I got! My leveraging ratio is now a record in world history, except for Bernie M.) It's just a deal that tickles, and that's good enough for me. 
3. The new model for higher ed. If you're investing in for-profits, you're gambling. What you really want is to own the infrastructure, the stuff universities can't do without. And today, that's an LMS. Sure, some places are going to use open-source, but a bunch of CIOs see that as requiring more human capital than hardware, and now many of them report to financial officers rather than presidents. Blackboard is hardware and a contract. (Please ignore the IT guys behind the curtain.)
4. Center of attention. Praise, criticism, who cares? As long as they're talking about what I do, and Blackboard certainly gets attention. 
5. Nimbleness. Blackboard brings out new updates and versions on a lightning-fast timetable, responding to market needs so faculty and students have the best systems and options available every week. 
6. Outreach. I have never seen a company that responds to user feedback the way Blackboard does. 
7. Speed. Blackboard is an LMS that responds quickly to user needs and requests when faculty or students are working.
8. Ease of administration. Blackboard provides no headaches for sysadmins. None. 
9. Low-cost. Blackboard provides almost no stress on hardware. Hardware replacement costs dive when universities adopt Blackboard.
10. Friendly and social. Students and faculty alike adore Blackboard's new avatar system that instantly connects social identities to class contributions. As a result of having student pictures right next to discussion-board contributions, which Blackboard implemented the same year that Facebook got started, colleges and universities using Blackboard see far less anti-social contributions and more substantive interactions.

I know you are all so envious. Why do you wish you were buying Blackboard?