As I was dozing off at 4:30 this afternoon, I realized that for the first time in more than a year, I’ve been bone-weary–not being wiped out from illness, or short-term lack of energy, but “this isn’t going to end in the next week, is it?” exhaustion. This happens every once in a while for academics–about two days into grading crunch time for a semester, or in the middle of catching up with seven gazillion emails and tasks after a conference trip, or about two-thirds of the way through a project that you are finishing by stealing time from other work, family, relaxation, and sleep. It happens to plenty of other people, too, from parents of newborns to caregivers of those with intense long-term care needs, from people holding down three part-time jobs to lawyers working on a brief due tomorrow morning at 9 am. In other words, I’m not special.
What is different this time around (for me) is that this project is mine, and I am thus bone-weary for reasons of my own choosing. The last time I was this worn out, it was for something I knew was crucially important, something I had almost entirely unique skills for, and something that was highly aversive for me (and even more aversive for anyone else who might have taken it on). Something that was akin to fixing incorrect tax returns for two months straight. When it was done, I could sigh with relief and then dig into the logical sequel (which was much more cheery if lasting another three months). This time is much happier, so I will be a happy exhausted faculty member.