Lil’ Putin annexes Chicago suburb

BREAKING:

Inspired by Russian President Vladimir Putin’s example of plebiscite dictatorship, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel has annexed Naperville, a suburb 30 miles west of Chicago’s city hall. He’s just concerned for the safety of Chicagoans in the suburbs, Emanuel told the Chicago Tribune this afternoon.

Emanual says the annexation is legally covered by a Chicago Public School board resolution in 2012 requesting that he “save the children.” Others question whether such a mandate is broad enough to cover the swallowing of an entire incorporated city that is geographically distinct from Chicago.

“We thought Rahm was a nice business-friendly Democrat, like (former Mayor Richard) Daley,” said Wye Nain, president of the tony Chicago Brownstone Club.

“We could tolerate his f-bombing left and right, as long as his actions fit in our agenda. But now it seems he might affect where we actually live. This is getting out of hand, and we might even have to call our lawyers.”

Half of the Brownstone Club’s board lives in Naperville.

One University of Illinois-Chicago political scientist guessed that Emanuel was striking out in frustration over a hard and bitterly-cold winter, as well as low approval ratings.

“My guess is that he’ll settle for an autonomous region in south Naperville,” said associate professor Pan Ditfale, “especially if that region kicks back part of its taxes to Chicago.”

For his part, President Putin is returning the admiration. When asked about Emanuel’s move, Putin smiled and told reporters, “Former KGB officials have a saying, ‘Кризис слишком дорогая вещь, чтобы пoтратить впустую.'”

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My thanks to college friend Astrid Cook for the assistance with the Russian. The English transliteration is Krizis slishkom dorogaya veshch’, chtoby potratit’ vpustuyu. And that’s all the hint you get. 😉