American preschoolers dangerously behind world in mastering jargon

Researchers argue in a new paper that young American children are endangering the nation’s economy by not learning corporate buzzwords as fast as their peers around the globe.

“This is a crisis,” said report writer Amelie Schafer-Berenzoit, Senior Reform Enthusiasm Scientist at the Washington think tank The Group Group. “Research proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that American children quickly fall behind their children in other industrialized countries, and by the start of first grade have mastered 25% fewer nominalizations than German children, 30% fewer Latinate neologisms than the French, and 35% fewer phrases that appear in The Wall Street Journal when compared with children in mainland China.”

Schafer-Berenzoit added, “We are among the worst at teaching our children important phrases such as disruptiondata-driven, and strategic dynamism. This is language that they will need when they grow up.”

Hedge fund manager Everest Perdue explained that kindergarteners will not succeed unless they have mastered the basic vocabulary of put options by age five. “This is becoming a basic expectation in New York’s private schools, and it is a violation of poor children’s rights that they aren’t taught this essential curriculum.”

Noted education reform writer Theodore Dorsal agreed with the paper’s argument. “Without the tools of business English, the next generation might not grow up to be the miserable toadies we all need them to be.”


One response to “American preschoolers dangerously behind world in mastering jargon”

  1. Dick Schutz

    I had to check the Calendar to make sure this wasn’t April 1.
    Do you have a link (or at least a citation) for this “new paper,” Sherman?